No love is 100% generous and altruistic, but some choices are motivated by self-interest and fed by the manipulation. It is better to identify the behaviors toxic before getting caught up in a relationship that is potentially harmful.
With the collaboration of Anne-Marie Benedict, psychoanalyst
Flavia Mazelin Salvi
– Updated 11 February 2019 at 17:14
This is not a secret, love is a feeling complex, the bearer of ambivalences. Feelings and emotions such as jealousy, envy, rivalry, hatred, cohabit with altruism, empathy, generosity, and love, of course. That being said, some relations, some of the links are less generous, less kind than others, some are even toxic, as constructed, more or less consciously, on a choice only self-centered. This is the case when the other we chose primarily to use us as a medicine to restore or to satisfy his narcissism and serve its own interests. It is not always easy to discern these motives, since our desire to be happy, in love, our fear of loneliness , too, can blur the thinking and threat perceptions. Experiences and conditionings negative of the past pushing them to repeat scenarios emotional maltraitants may also explain why we may find ourselves trapped in a relationship where the other loves us, especially for the wrong reasons.
1 – He/she loves the power that he/she has on you
Your role : the little mouse
Some people compensate for their weaknesses, narcissistic (lack of self-confidence or self-esteem) by taking the power on the other, their partner for example. This power can manifest itself in several ways : to bring an atmosphere of fear diffuses from hot to cold, ridicule the other on the pretext of humour, underscore (supposedly for his own good) systematically its errors, its defects, its weaknesses, instead of use and/or support, demeaning his initiatives, his friends, his work without seeming to touch it.
You have understood, this dominant-there advance masked, wielding brilliantly with the aggression, passive and turning into a victim of the evil spirit of the other, if this last tries to rebel or question.
2 – He/she is especially enamored of the love you have for her
Your role : the groupie
He revels in your attention, your listening, your support and your admiration, without you make it exactly the same. You often wonder how you have found it in such and such a situation, it makes you account the least compliment that he collects at work or in other relationships. When you try to ask him questions about you to know if he is really interested in you, if he knows you really, you hear it respond to you in generalities, approximations. When he makes you gifts, he manages to pull the blanket to him, to highlight his generosity, his resourcefulness to seek out The gift that touches you. Everything always comes back to him, because in the end, it’s a groupie that he needs.
3 – He/she likes to especially distinguish themselves at your expense
Your role : the bad cop
The games of roles are present in all relationships. We know the duo parental “good cop / bad cop” or, in society, the extrovert and the introvert, etc, It happens that we stick a label that not only do we not seem to correspond to what we are ; but that we indulged in, we trim the wings, alters the image we have of ourselves and that others have also we. The one that stands out at our expense plans in general we of the characteristics present in him and that he does not appreciate. These characteristics may be present in us, but they are exaggerated to create an effect of positive contrast with him. For example, the one who wants to be seen as creative, unpredictable, artist, will instruct the other of the opposite characteristics : rigid, uptight, conformist, predictable, etc. – These same persons, is it necessary to specify, reject in general the responsibility of their mistakes or their failures on the other.