You + me = we. But where is the “I” ? Not to get lost in her relationship and nourish it without exhausting it, only one solution : to cultivate a (good) distance and assert its identity.
– Updated February 8, 2019 at 12:31
“Marriage is when a man and a woman are one. The most difficult thing is to know which one ! “This quip from Woody Allen sums up perfectly the problem of the couple. Everything that appears to be magical in the first place – to share the same bed, the same tastes, the same friends, the same hobbies, the same tics of language – too often leads not only to impoverishment of the feeling of love (if not to his death), but also, sometimes, the feeling of losing his identity. The ” us “replacing the” I “, the entity couple eventually absorb the individuals. The relationship transforms the other into an extension of the self, in a double-predictable and invisible. The desire is extinguished, the weariness wins.
Therapists couple confirm it : when we’re suffocating in her relationship, we are no longer able to see clearly in his feelings. Because it has lost its desire, its energy. Paradoxically, it may be a good time to ask questions, about himself and about the relationship. Am I in a relationship, cannibal, which is that I’m fed than the other ? Am I secure enough(e) emotionally to let it thrive outside of our couple ? I am not diluted(e), lost(e) in relation to the two ? All these are avenues that may open up new avenues to the couple and give him the oxygen that he lacked.
1 – Stay two
“At the end of a few years, I no longer knew who I was, my “I” was drowned in the “we,” says Nadine, 42 years old, married for twelve years. Nothing more of it does surprise me, I anticipated his actions, his words. I wanted to give up everything, I choked… ” Nadine has not veneered. She decided to “return to the air in his life” by engaging in a volunteer activity that allowed him to exist outside of her marriage, to make new relations, but also and especially to regain energy and enthusiasm, which is contagious. At the end of a few months, she found herself ” more autonomous, more radiant and… more love ! “
Being two, is also say knowing say no. This seems to be simple. It is not that much. The idea that when one loves, one must do and want the same things is very ingrained in our minds. “If you don’t like me, it is that you don’t love enough, translates it implicitly. Some people particularly “insecure” may feel challenged and judged if their spouse does not share all their tastes, ” says Isabelle Filliozat, psychotherapist. Then he should, rather, cultivate, honor our differences, to dare to have completely different ideas and respect those of the other. And not to forget that when we met(e), and that we deceived them, it was precisely his difference, a difference surfaced over the days. Polished as a pebble, got rid of shadows, predictable and familiar, the lynx turned into a big domestic cat. How surprising not to be desired ?
2 – Avoid the sacrifices
Give up his hobbies, his friends, under the pretext to give more time to its torque or, on the contrary, to force to adopt those of another is not only to deny its singularity, but also to feed, unconsciously, a resentment which will eventually rise to the occasion of a dispute. The sacrifice is a form of blackmail which always ends up by poisoning the intimacy of the couple. The sacrificed lives with the fantasy of being one day rewarded for his sacrifices, and any attempt of autonomy of the partner is seen as ingratitude unbearable.
In general, systematically make concessions for the sake of the other leads to the opposite of what one wants. It is imprisoned in a personality of borrowing and to force to give in, to sink in the desire of his partner, do you know yet who you are and what you want ? – and we end up choking under the weight of our pseudo-applications.
3 – Creating a space of love
It’s a cliché and a fact : the life of the couple makes them lazy. And modern life fatigue. As a result, it often sleeps side-by-side, exhausted and chaste. It is thus that, little sloth in great fatigue, the link love turns into a fraternal relationship. The body of the other, too familiar, lose any erotic charge. If there is no magic recipe, symbolic acts can prevent the sliding to a relationship asexual. This can, among other things, lead to the creation of a space lover, temporal, or geographic, devoted to appointments sensual couple. A corner of the room, arranged in “alcove love”, a weekend devoted to the sensuality, where art, food or nature, depending on the affinity of the couple, create an intimacy different that breaks with the everyday.
Maryse Wolinski, who is in love with her famous husband for the past thirty years, recounts (In separate Bedroom, Albin Michel), how “a single room” has been able to restore a new breath to its torque, a sensuality more intense, more fun : “We wanted to create new codes of seduction. We shared the apartment in two. Every time I rejoignais my husband in his room, everything became unknown, unexpected, quirky… “