We have given up having a child

Claire and phillip had wanted a child. They faced infertility psychological unexplained. After three years of medically assisted procreation, they have decided to continue their life together. Testimony.

Giulia Foïs
– Updated on February 6, 2019 at 17:46


Wanting a child

“It’s a story that’s very commonplace as time goes on. We met later, we are loved as my biological clock was already in the punches of the quarantine. Very quickly, we wanted a child, because we knew that the years were counted. The reviews were reassuring, doctors confident. Came then, successively, the stimulation of hormone, the artificial inseminations, the IVF [in vitro fertilisation]. A sorrowful path, with its succession of bereavements. First one, monthly, the arrival of the rules. And then to be able to conceive normally. Finally, to be able to give life. And, the faithful companions of grief was followed by anger – in the face of injustice : why others and not us ? – and the guilt, that little voice whispered in his ear : are you absolutely sure you want a child ?

A couple to the test

All of these revolts, we have tried to find different answers. Each of us went to decipher his desire to have a child in a psych. We have tested the energy, essential oils, hypnosis, homeopathy,… We surveyed our unconscious, tortured our family tree to find the origin of the trauma, open our chakras, listened with kindness to those who said to us, “Let go”, as if it was possible… Nothing came out. We could not find any answer to the question : “Why is this not working ?” These paths not funny, we have been able to browse to both, without letting go of the hand. Of course, not always in phase and not always in harmony. Philippe often felt alone, like a simple “donor sperm”. Me, the body mauled by infusions of hormones, I underwent the emotional reactions that gave me the impression of being on a roller coaster. We had to put a lot of words on the discomfort to dissipate.

Stop trying

And then, at the end of three years, there were on the day too. The umpteenth return of the rules, a latest hope disappointed… and, this time, and discouragement has prevailed over the sadness. Our reaction was : “It is missed, we will do it again next month”, but : “Pity, we do not want to do it again.” This point reached, we understood that we were past the desire to fight. A fight against fate, against nature, against ourselves. Since how many months had we not listened to our true desires ? Those stop to count the days ; make love without obligation; to be free to speak of a future without asking themselves whether a child would be or not… To our loved ones, we have simply said : “It is finished, we stop.” We had to confront the predictions – “You’ll see, now that you have renounced, it will come” – that one cannot help but believe, and the evidence of making feel guilty : “there are plenty of unhappy children to adopt.” No, we will not pursue. For lots of good reasons that we are clean and as well-intentioned, armed with their beautiful biological children, will not hesitate to accuse him of selfishness. And because we refuse to exchange one fight for another.

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