Let’s be forgiving with ourselves!

Reviews, flagellation, blaming, we are very often our worst enemy. And if the kindness was before all by itself? Specialists encourage us to love him with tenderness.

Psychologies magazine loves the kindness, to the point of him having spent a day on 13 November, which meets each year with increasing success (see our website The day of Kindness). However, this benevolence towards the other, to which we coerce more or less voluntarily, we do admit that rarely. We are sometimes our worst enemy, we are knocking out of wickedness at the slightest misstep. “Since I’m small, I don’t forgive anything. As soon as I make a mistake, or that one of my folders is the subject of a note, I was immediately a little voice inside me murmurs that I’m zero, even if the criticism focuses on a detail, ” said Marianne, age 45, who had experienced neither failure or parents disparaging.


For the psychoanalyst Marie-Laure Colonna, it is primarily a matter of culture: “there is only in the West that one finds such a detestation of the self. The Orientals are much less severe in their own regard! I see it as a mark of our Judeo-Christian religion, where everyone is born with original sin. Barely born and already guilty. “A heavy legacy that we carry unconsciously, believers and non-believers, and that our society of competition reinforces:” In denying us the right to be wrong, by submitting to us constantly to a quantitative evaluation, in defiance of our human dimension is necessarily more fragile, the world deprives us of our precious humanity towards us and towards others, warns the philosopher Fabrice Medal. Some think that by speaking harshly, they are going to keep a control on them, to get to the top, which is a perfect illusion. But the fear of becoming weak is nestled in the heart of this lack of compassion towards one’s self. ”

A wounded childhood?


The self-criticism: an evil female

On the sofa in Marie-Laure Colonna, the analysis of a woman always starts with a company of restoration of self-esteem. “I am amazed to see, all social classes combined, at which point the women have a tendency to self-criticism. The men are still less likely to disparage, at least the life that is coming to their typing on the fingers, ” says the psychoanalyst. Why this difference? “The boys are still raised like little kings, then as the girls grow up more often in an atmosphere demeaning, that it does not dispute. “Where the famous” glass ceiling ” that they dare not cross at work, or wage inequality, which many consider as a state of fact, and not as an injustice.

“When my mother was giving me a compliment, she attached it immediately after a wickedness.

I never knew how to dance, but, what is sure, is that her critics have remained etched in my head, ” said Dominique, 45 years old, who are surprised to be used against her in the same words as his mother. When the parents are supposed to, we secure, we provide support, are also those whom we denigrate, where to learn to self-administer the tenderness?

“Education plays an important role in this tendency to self-torture, she participated in the building up of a superego more or less severe, says Marie-Laure Colonna. If we have had parents that are too demanding or malicious, we’re going to have a tendency to adopt their critical point of view, by a well-known phenomenon of identification.

“Sometimes, even in the absence of any remarks disparaging, we can lose this precious self-esteem. “Take the child who feels responsible for the divorce of his parents, convinced that the one who left did it because he was not kind enough: as long as he would revisit not this mistaken belief, he will continue to think wrong, to criticise,” says the psychiatrist Christophe Fauré.

Psychoanalysis turns to the past to explain this phenomenon, while some current cognitivist leans rather to a structural explanation: “everyone is born with a stock of negative thoughts. Certainly, the events of the life, the harshness of the society can reinforce this phenomenon, but they do not create from scratch, ” says Christophe Fauré. He wants to prove that this trend autodénigrement also occurs in people who are well. “As soon as you scratch a little, the world believes no one, can do better, even if we hide the other, as long as we are convinced to be the only ones to devalue as well “, he adds further.

A negative spiral

All these negative thoughts plunge us in distress, we get depressed, and they are the origin of many of the mains failure. “The one who believes what he has heard on her child will not cease to vérifi er by multiplying the behaviours that will elicit the rejection, showing him that he has a good reason not to love. It is the infernal spiral of beliefs, self vérifiantes “, explains Christophe Fauré.

For those of us who remain convinced that being hard on themselves will make them grow, they are also exposed to: “Not being capable of either gentleness or empathy towards them, they dare not launch new challenges, fear of not having enough resources to face potential failure,” stresses Fabrice Midal.

Result: we advance timidly on the path of life. Worse, we sometimes display a real brutal with ourselves in order to avoid to measure to what extent we are emotionally affected: “There is a way to blame herself quite sterile on the air of “I know, I am no one”, which primarily avoids to let himself be swept up by what happens to us. It is only by acknowledging our emotions we can begin to be benevolent, a bit like an alcoholic who must go through the acceptance of his state before considering a cure… “, advocated by the philosopher.

Small exercise on the silence

What would music be if all the notes followed, without pause, without silence? What a tangle of sounds that would be then!

And phrases, the text without comma or point-to breathe, to take the time and savour each word in its entirety.

The silence is a blessing. Sometimes, to some, it is fear. And then turn on the tv, the radio, for ” background noise “. Or to stifle the little voice?

And if today, you decide to go out alone(e), for a long time, to walk, in silence, without speaking to anyone other than you, or by meditating, by observing what surrounds you, no questions asked. To sit on this little bench in the park. To just let your steps guide you along the canal bank… or elsewhere.

Upon your return, in a pretty notebook to write that you have selected with attention, then you could write a word, a single. A word that would encapsulate this silence, in this market. The first word that would come to mind, simply Write it in the middle of a sheet of paper, in big, tall, fat or small, or even write it many, many times, to give him life. And, if you want, if it is timely, this word, you can [‘hang in front of you, to meditate on it during your next few days. And, if you prefer to keep, if this word is secret, powerful, deep, particular, keep it in the warm, sheltered under the leaves of your mind.

Repeat this exercise regularly. At the end of a certain time, re-read all of the words you have written… and let us surprise you by the richness and the depth of your feelings.

“What kind of music, the silence ! “(Jean Anouilh)

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Letting go : 7 tips for freedom

It is often believed that letting go is simply to stay calm, become zen. But the letting go is much, much more! It is a true vision of life that cultivates the courage to accept the change and we have to give up in the face of what we cannot control. Because it is sometimes in losing something that we find it much more!

The letting go is to be able to change his view of the world, to be open to the unexpected without having to fight constantly. Letting go rhymes also with acceptance, forgiveness, and asks sometimes to grieve the loss of what we keep. He has probably been given to meet people that ran continuously their anger against details that you seemed to be futile. These people poison their lives, and maintain an inexhaustible inner revolt that turmoil around them, and leads them to loneliness. But an attitude as extreme is not necessary to imprison them in thoughts and emotions that are negative. The inability to accept the events provides a lot of suffering and can continue for a lifetime. The psychiatrist Victor Frankl was one of the first to speak of the benefits have to accept what we cannot change.

“Zone of control” versus “area of undue concern”

Think for a moment, your activities and your concerns. You will find that you have no control over some of them, so that you control directly from other activities, those that give you results. The first lie in the area of undue concern, and seconds in the control area.

To let go, you need to focus on what you can change. You direct your energy on what brings about improvement in your life. On the contrary, if you waste your energy worrying about things you can’t change, you will be feeding that frustration and resentment. For example, if you just pointed out the weaknesses in others, to criticize the slightest detail that bothers you, but on which you have no control, you increase your sense of being a victim and you refuse to accept responsibility to build your life.

Follow his path through the “letting go”

The american author Guy Finley has wonderfully enriched the reflection on letting go. Younger, he has achieved great success in his career, but it was not enough to make him happy. He understood that the true richness of life lies beyond material success.

Here are a few strategies that Guy Finley suggests to let go :

  • Accomplish a goal and exceed your personal limits.
  • Eliminate the resentment.
  • Cultivate integrity and refuse to compromise you.
  • Flee from the temptation to blame others or events, which takes away the power over your life.
  • Relax and try to eliminate your fears.

As Guy Finley, you can engage on the way of your personal accomplishment in seeking your mission, finding the meaning that will palpitate your life. By learning to let go, you give yourself the means to live in perfect harmony with yourself.

1. Enrich your vision of the world and get out of your habits

To let go is to refuse the imperatives that direct us to be perfect, to succeed, to always please others, etc Decrease rather you’re banned, and the conclusions that limit your life.

2. Trust the other

We can not control the actions or thoughts of the people around us. Thus, it is better to accept others as they are rather than wanting to change them, and even “save”. If you let others be themselves, thanks to your trust, they will respond more to your expectations.

3. Cultivate openness and adapt to change

Our beliefs are sometimes the worst prisons. The more our vision of things is narrowly defined, less the events and people are associated with, which leads to sadness and frustration. If you value the adaptation, the change will become synonymous with fun and learning.

4. Free yourself from your negative emotions

Some emotions prevent us from accepting what we cannot change: the hatred, the grudge, the resentment, the vengeance… become aware of the fact that these emotions suffocate you and bring nothing constructive to your life. You only have power over you. If you forgive, you will experience a feeling liberating!

5. Adapt your expectations to the events and learn from the failure

If you have expectations that are too high or unrealistic to others, and to life, you may experience many disappointments. Replace rather your expectations by trends and preferences. You will enjoy each failure, not to mourn, but to rejoice in the new learning that you have done and that will bring you closer to the success.

6. Don’t stay chained to the past

If you are stuck constantly to the memories of your failures, your disappointments, and your challenges, there is a good chance that your resentment you chained to the past. This inability to let go is ruining your inner peace. Accept the past is the best way to enrich your future.

7. Cultivate a positive vision of yourself

How many times do we refuse to forgive simply for pride, because we say to ourselves: “This is not up to me to make an effort!”. This way of thinking maintains the remembrance and the pain of the offense, and we cling to the past. If you cultivate a positive vision of yourself, you know that every time you forgive, you do it first for you and not for show to others a “force” that you don’t have to prove to anyone.

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Nothing lasts, right?

Impermanence is a fundamental law of our existence and nature, of which we are a little bit of it. It is the only thing that is certain in our lives: everything changes. The change is, in fact, the reason for which anything can happen.

“Everything is changing. Nothing remains without change.” Buddha

All that you experience at this moment in your life will pass. All that you have acquired, everything that you feel – will. All the physical sensations you are feeling will pass. All of the thoughts that are at this moment also. Nothing lasts.

Contemplate our own impermanence is the “wake-up” the most powerful that a human being can have. It is one of the first taken of conscience of those who participate in a program or a workshop of full consciousness.

Spend a little time to contemplate the impermanence of everything in your life, including your own body. Learn to accept deep in your heart, and you will see a more beautiful life to unfold.

Lesson of wisdom balinese : choose the right words

In the vision of the Balinese, to choose his words is essential to preserve the balance in the relationship. So, raise your voice and get angry about them is inconceivable. And aggression, when they are confronted with, is unsustainable.

As the ritual of passage to puberty, in Bali, every child is slightly grinding the six teeth of the upper jaw. This act symbolizes the entrance into the age where being in the ability to create, he became a manager and leaves behind him six impulses: anger, jealousy, arrogance, greed, lust and attachment. His attention is drawn to what comes out of his mouth: the words.

“As long as there is a child, he can say what he wants. But as soon as he goes through this ritual, he becomes responsible, and will now have to pay attention to what he says, ” explains Catherine Chouard, fascinated by the wisdom of Balinese to which it is initiated over the past ten years.

Because, in the vision of the Balinese, to choose his words is essential to preserve the balance in the relationship. Thus, raising the voice and becoming angry is not only inconceivable, but when they are confronted, for example, the part of outside visitors, it is unsustainable: ” The level of aggression felt could compare to that of a punch in the face to us. ”

With a double effect: the person will not only have to heal the “burn” of the anger they received, but also soothe the “fire” of his own reaction. For the Balinese, ” the words are like a bridge which unites two continents “. It should not be separated.

And at us?


Animism in legacy

In this island of Indonesia, Hinduism, majority religion, still bears many traces of its animistic origins, and retains, as the inhabitants of the island, a close link with nature. It is ubiquitous in the culture, particularly through the many offerings daily, which ” open the way to the beauty of the gods “.

Adolescence is considered to be more of the period of self-assertion, more or less strong, where time is often not the choice of words, on the contrary. But even after that, in our society, where assertiveness is seen as a quality, jousting verbal are rather valued, even if it is at the expense of the other… and to the detriment of the relationship.

Remember that we are responsible for the words that we issue may be an interesting exercise daily, and have a real impact on our surroundings.

Similarly, when the words that we receive shock us, offer a space before reacting can avoid the ” put out the fire “…

The separations are necessary to grow

For many years he listens to his patients, ” says the psychoanalyst Moussa Nabati, a theme recurs as a leitmotiv: the separation. All mull over stories of abandonment, past, present or to come; of neglect, estrangement, infidelity, broken links, worn or lost with those who have relied upon or still rely upon: parents, brothers and sisters, friends, companions, or companions, lovers, children, bosses”. Whether they are chosen or suffered, imposed by the need to grow or by the accidents of life, these separations constitute the “matter almost unique of their speech”; the “main trunk” around which to articulate their difficulties.

The separations are scattered throughout our lives

At a young age, in adolescence or adulthood, each of us has had to learn to detach himself from his parents, to face their absence, their divorce or the loss of one of them; losing a pet, live a move, or an exile, leaving his friends, overcoming the disappointment sentimental or even the loss of his job. It took us, also, to separate us from the childhood to win our independence, our dreams of adolescence to build our adult lives, and then to our full potential to address the ageing. “Since life is change,” observes Nicole Fabre, also a psychoanalyst, to live is to accept no longer what it was; and accepting that others aren’t what they were2. “All of these separations, she adds,” are never the veneers are concrete to our situation of being separate “, different, unique.

“I don’t like the separations, and writing it again yet. I don’t like departures. I don’t like to leave, even if I know that I will see what I am leaving and those who leave. “Marked by a childhood punctuated by moves, she tells him that he is still hard, year after year, to close the house of Grimaud, in the Var, where she spent the summer, the one where they lived and where died his parents and grandparents, the one where his daughters were growing up. Same mundane, even desired, the separations are not self-evident, because they revive always of the joys lost and the sorrows of old.

We undoing, willingly or by force, of what to that point was our lives, our attachments, our identity, we face the fear of losing a part of ourselves. Our resistance, then, can be put in place. Something in us refuses to let go of the ex-spouse with whom we hope to remain friend, the grown children that we would like to keep to the nest, the business lost to which one identifies yet.

They are the opposite of breakups

Moussa Nabati clarifies his thought: in the end, what makes the suffering of her patients, it is less than the separation that ” the inséparation “, the difficulty of exit, disengage, free, becoming adult, psychologically differentiated and self-sustaining, the architect of his desire and his destiny “. Because in their story, or that of previous generations, something has to break (a dropout, a tear, the depression of a parent, the secret about the suicide of a loved one…), and has produced a trauma from which the trace is still to be felt. In place of the “separations” structuring of the existence, it is a product of the ” ruptures “, “these two terms – in spite of the use made of it – are not synonyms at all,” says the psychoanalyst. They oppose the same, the separation is advocated to happen in peace and love because of the trauma of the break “. Many of us live with a sense of abandonment, traces of scarring of the ties ripped off too quickly in childhood. In adulthood, it is the bedrock of relationships fusionnelles intended to fill what was missing to the individual. It can also lead, on the contrary, to be wary of any form of commitment, for fear of reliving the drama of the break.

“The main issue of the psychotherapy, says Moussa Nabati, is to help his patient to discover its divisions internal, tears to interior, to make the separation feasible. “It is,” he says again, working on the “past always present” to try to mend our units that are bruised, to put into perspective the over-importance given to others – experienced as essential or dangerous, and we refocus on ourselves by ” re-discovering [our] parents domestic “. With the aim of achieving links adult, far from the excesses of the passions, without a day or of those of the irreducible solitude. To be able to choose to bind us when these relationships are fulfilling, and to detach ourselves when they are not.

Good thoughts, they lead to the healing

Nicole Fabre describes the separations successful as being ” the fruit of a maturation that led to a decision not passionate. When the beings have found the correct distance with each other. When one is no longer fused nor forced to hate “, although it took, to do this, go through the pain, the feeling of failure and tears. These are separations in which it has been, she says again, ” keep the link without tearing, without remaining stuck “. And for that, it takes time. Give them the time of turmoil and transgressions. The time of the reconfiguration, up to the balance. For the psychoanalyst, the separation process is to sort between what we can keep or not what has been. When one goes or which one is left, she said, ” we always win what we are free to take away: the memories, the images, as this belongs to us and we will remove it “. While the time is urging us to turn the page, ” to mourn ” that we need to leave in a snap of the fingers, Nicole Fabre invites, on the contrary, to cultivate the memory, to keep objects from our past and those we have loved, to preserve the language and culture of the countries that lost. Only way we can feel even the rich rather than amputees making the fabric of our lives. And to move forward.

1. Moussa Nabati in a Successful separation (Fayard).
2. Nicole Fabre in I do not like to separate myself (In press).

To go further

Separation can be a constructive

See their parents divorce is always painful for the child. But with a few principles and a lot of attention, it is a time in which he can grow out of it.

Telework is gaining ground in the business!

In France, nearly a third of private-sector employees practice telework, reveals a recent study that has crossed the eyes of leaders, managers, and employees on this professional practice. All recognize the benefits to this way of working. In mind: a more effective and efficient.

We know that the French companies jumpy about it. Good news: telework is now 29% of private employees in France (about 5.5 million employees), compared to 25% in 2017, reveals a study Fifg for The counter of the company. Better yet, the teleworking contract is also up 50%. In 2018, it was 9% of the employees. Telework “grey”, non-contracted, remained the majority and for 21% of the employees.

Satisfaction side: officers and employees

According to the study, which polled 1 604 employees, of which 581 managers, and 401 officers, 79% of executives and 89% of employees believe that telecommuting allows for greater efficiency. The figure is known for a long time: teleworking allows an increase in productivity of 22% ( “telework in large companies”, a study by the firm Greenworking (2012)).

Side leaders, we find, among their motivations to expand telework: better work / private life-working life for the employees (56 %), a way to retain employees by responding to their expectations (45 %, against 32 % in 2017) and the development of modes of management (34 %).

Among the benefits they see on the employees, 92% of leaders cite better quality of work life, 91% enhanced accountability, and 88% a large autonomy of employees. They cite as an increased commitment on the part of teleworkers.

81% of managers indicated that telework provides a method of management based more on trust.

Side employees, 8 teleworkers in 10 say they are satisfied or very satisfied with this mode of work organization. They feel more autonomous in their work (90 %), show a better balance private and working life (85 %), and feel a decrease in fatigue (85 %). For them, the average ideal of telework per month is 7 days.

The hesitations and pitfalls that remain

Among the pitfalls encountered, many brakes, and (false) beliefs often delay its introduction. No doubt, in telework, there is still work to be done !

Only 55% of managers are in favour of telework, and the leaders who do not want to are 31% to further enhance the resistance of managers as one of the reasons for its non-implementation.

Among the leaders who have introduced this practice, the main difficulty, cited by 56% of respondents, is the difficulty to manage their employees remotely. In fact, the management at a distance, while as the management, is not innate: it is learned!
85% of managers underline the need to put in place actions training and awareness to the specificities of this mode of work (new work tools remotely, best practices, risks…)

Among the employees, 59% of the respondents agree that teleworking can be a source of difficulties to separate family life and professional life and 47% evoke an overall workload more important. The home remains the principal place of telework, far ahead of the spaces of coworking, one of the issues is arrived to disconnect. Only 6 teleworkers in 10 have a real space to work at home. And if the first step was to develop a corner for the home working at home, that we can leave, as if we were going in the office?

Thanks to teleworking, I have found my balance
Live in the Cevennes and working in Paris… Emilia, 40 years, talks about this new work that she has long prepared.

The 10 signs of infidelity

And if he/she was deceiving me? Who has not asked one day the question? Especially at a time where you just need to click on a site to choose the one or the one with who play hooky. Road exit outstanding or philosophy of life, adultery is also being felt in different ways according to the covenant of the couple that we spent, but also according to its own history. Infidelity can be a cause of rupture, a simple accident or a test. Some choose to close their eyes or look the other way, while others are keen to know what it is.

To Robert Weiss, a doctor of psychology, a columnist for Psychology Today and a specialist in issues of intimacy and sexuality, the 10 following behaviours do not have evidential value, but they can help those who doubt the fidelity of their partner to see more clearly. In all cases, it is recommended to open the dialogue with his partner to understand what is the problem in the relationship.

Its appearance changes significantly

Your partner goes to plan, practice an activity, sports, changes hair salon, changes her wardrobe (more trendy, more sporty, more elegant, sexier…), he/she starts to attach much importance to her image, her looks, her figure. What is troubling is the sudden rupture with his style and his habits. When asked about the reasons for the change, asked him questions, he/she denies or trivializes, and annoys responds in generalities, such as ” I want to feel better in my body “…

He uses “secret” and the more frequent his phone or his computer

He/she had no password? He/she has one now. He/she spends more time on their screens, clears messages or texts, suddenly switched off his phone, that he/she wears almost all the time on him/her. Even in the bathroom. He/she consults frequently email, or screen, taking care to have the natural air, or even flippant. Try to borrow his phone because you forgot yours at work or at home and pay attention to the expression of his face. You will be able to make the difference between an air trivially annoyed or surprised, and an expression of panic a fugitive.

There are times when your spouse is unreachable

Especially when he/she is working late in the evening, he/she is on the road or between noon and two. He/she does not respond to your calls or to your text messages. This should alert, once again, is the change of behaviour. A recent change and that is not motivated by new working conditions.

Your spouse has a lot more or a lot less, desire for sex

Some infidels to increase their sexual responsiveness and call for significantly much more often than their spouse, while others are avoiding, shifty, sometimes to the point of suspending any sexual intimacy. Index: new sexual practices broke into your alcove (positions, caresses, “technical” fantasies) and you get the feeling that they are not the fruit of theoretical learning…

He/she is annoyed or aggressive towards you and/or your relationship with your

This is one of the effects common to the guilt of the unfaithful. For its behaviour to weigh less heavily on his conscience, he will address, directly or indirectly, many of the criticisms (often minors and unfair) to his spouse, to criticize the relationship, questioning your way of life, to criticize the couple as an institution. This hostility that helps it to give good conscience, can also be in some the first step towards a distancing that may lead to a separation. Some infidels have the guilt of “generous” : they distribute compliments, gifts, surprises of any kind. These rewards, that help them to live better their infidelity, are also intended to make a smoke screen so as not to be suspected.

Substantial changes in his employment of the time

Do some sport, see a friend, to render service to another, often work late in the evening, be obliged(e) to return to the office on the weekend to finish an urgent matter… In a blink of an eye, its employment in ordinary time is turned upside-down. If you ask him, he may have recourse to three types of reactions: explanations, pithy, évitantes, explanations very (too) detailed and followed by regret (too much) supported, or a counter-attack aggressively.

Spending unexplained

Withdrawals number and/or consequential damages which may be assorted gifts for you, your children, shopping for the house. Infidelity leads to additional spending and consumption patterns, new. This is easier to check when you have a joint account.

Friends avoiding, shy or even more present

Most of the time, there is at least one of your friends who is aware. In this case, it becomes less visible, is less present, to avoid being questioned or confronted with his disloyalty. When asked if he has noticed something special about our spouse, it kicks into touch, responding in generalities, putting an abrupt end to the exchange, diverting the conversation or so, it launches, you ensure that he didn’t notice anything, and, if that was the case, you would have said so. Some friends, very feelings can, on the contrary, to be even more present, more attentive than usual to compensate for their feelings of betrayal.

A privacy distance

The intimacy is made of complicity, empathy, tenderness. When one begins to exchange only the factual, general, that we no longer seek the connection with the other (telling what one lives, what one feels, desires, projects…) this means that the privacy is eroding and that the other may be committed emotionally and sexually elsewhere. His looks, his gestures, his intonations are, in general, the chip in the ear or reinforce a hunch, an impression.

Your spouse reacts to the word ” infidelity “

If the subject comes up in conversation (a reference to a book, a movie, a story of loved ones…), he manages to put an end to, or to deflect them as quickly as possible. If by chance, you probe by asking him his opinion on the matter, it will do too much or too little. He can launch into a plea for defence of values, the right of everyone to choose what suits him or the evolution (or regression) of manners. Just as it may feign a total lack of interest on the issue, to ensure that this is not the kind of subject that interests him. In any case, deploy your antennas to capture behind his vehemence or indifference feints, his embarrassment, his aggression or his impatience to change the subject. If you are dealing with an unbeliever who does not want to be outed, expect a counter-attack, very aggressive, culpability if you make doubts about his fidelity. To defend himself, he will not hesitate to accuse you of jealousy pathological, paranoid or a control freak.

Could you accept his infidelity?
What would happen if by chance your partner had an affair? Could you accept his infidelity? True betrayal for some, teaching for others, the infidelity calls into question our most fundamental needs for absolute stability or performance. What’s in it for you ?

Those friends who don’t really want you to be happy

You confide in them, you spend time with them, you like them. This is normal, these are your friends. However, the attendance of some of them is not always fulfilling, nor beneficial. Portrait-robot 6 – ” false friends “.

1 – The Me I

He tells you his last vacation, its conflicts and its cares at work, the ups and downs of her marriage, but also his dreams, his fears, his projects. In confidence, in privacy. This is what are friends for and it is precious. The problem is the distribution of speaking time and listening. Overall, he speaks, you listen. And when it comes your turn, either a phone call or an emergency greatly shorten your speaking time. If this is not the case, he is listening, but interrupting you to drag and drop personal anecdotes, or you will regularly face for you know that he follows without, however, actually involving them in the exchange. Listening is a superficial, basic, it is sometimes hard to hide his impatience.

What is at stake : His narcissism demands an audience, an audience, “faithful” and dedicated to listening. You play this role. The needs of his ego make it difficult or impossible for an egalitarian relationship. You are his friend, the inverse remains to be proven.

The board : Note the times where he puts an abrupt end to the conversation after having himself taken a long time and the time where you find distracted, impatient, not listening. This will help you to put the facts on your widespread feeling of frustration and to feel legitimate in the day where you’ll want to broach the subject with him.

2 – The non-empathic

You appreciate his frankness, his gaze sharpened and the relevance of his criticisms, but you tell yourself regularly that it might put a bit more softness and roundness in its communication. The pretext can be of service, he stabbed his truths, gives advice and often makes gaffes that put you in the lurch, but make it laugh. In his version of the less gross kind, one who lacks empathy is the friend in a hurry, distracted, always between two appointments, and who grieves, when you talk about it, not having felt your sadness, hear your problems, saw your distress. It is to be understood, he himself was tired, stressed, sick… in Short, he always has a good excuse for not having decoded the messages, or to your sides.

What is at stake : a self-centeredness powerful. The need to feel alive in the gaze of the other, to give substance to its existence in the putting in scene, in “événementialisant” the slightest fact. This may also be the selfishness pure and simple : to be too centered on the self and its life, it has a lot of trouble to deploy its antennas to the other.

The board : Take into account and give value to your emotions. If you have been disappointed or hurt, there is no reason to keep silent or to do as if. To express his feelings when it is negative, is one of the conditions for a genuine relationship and also the way to evolve the other. Your life has as much interest as hers.

3 – The envious

Nothing massive, openly unpleasant but small remarks sweet and sour, of the questions in the form of implied negative (the mood takes very often the form of aggression, passive), an enthusiasm, a moderate (or even a bit forced) to share your successes, your achievements, on which it passes quickly or that he is attempting to play down (invoking for example your chance instead of renting your talent) or to devalue through humor (” two fingers of retirement, the promo ! “). However, it is very present when you do not go well. The other index, it will point in priority, under the pretext of being intimate, and therefore honest with you, everything that is wrong with you or around you, or anything that could be better (your scarred face, your apartment would be great with a balcony or a few square metres of more, etc). It may also be that the desire takes on the form of the competition : it manages to be (and the show) always a little or a lot “more” than you.

What is at stake : a rivalry is present in all your trades even if you’re not aware of. Over time, and unconsciously, you minorez your successes, you’t feel guilty about gifts that life sends you, you show more generous with him than the reverse to compensate.

The board : imagine you are listening to your feelings and impressions, because at the heart of us, we know when the affection, generosity outweigh the desire ; we see the reluctance jealous. If we do agree, it is probably because we rejouons something of our score family. Every one has to read it and decipher for linking it with his current relationship.

Love, a simple question of chemistry?

Passionate, romantic or physical love is the result of a mechanical complex, combining impulse and desire, the colour of prohibitions and inhibitions. The attraction to passion and then to attachment, to desire the sex, the obsession in the missing, our brain triggers, module and activates a system of neural circuits complicated that scientists strive to decipher the functioning. Explanations.

By Bernard Sablonnière, neurobiologist, university professor − hospital practitioner, faculty of medicine, University of Lille originally published on The Conversation

As early as 1937, James Papez, neuranatomiste, describes and formalizes the circuit of the emotions, which involves the regions of the brain involved in the repulsion or the attraction, the desire, or the refusal. The emotions that we perceive, it is the body that speaks. The feelings that one feels, it is the mind that judges. The little music that gives rhythm to the dance of these partners are closely entwined is effectively orchestrated to do to reach the encounter toward its ultimate goal: the reproduction of the species… The brain choreography this evolution, integrating, evaluating, responding to and modifying the information that it receives via the senses to adapt our behaviour accordingly.

To do this, the neurons are the baton of a conductor. Via chemical messengers (neurotransmitters), they activate, slow down or block some lanes of communications nerve to allow the brain to adapt to external stimuli, and change our behaviour accordingly : do know that the other person we like, which was unconcerned by, seduces us… These networks of neurons constitute the brain’s limbic system, also called the ” emotional brain “.

Biology is not romantic, but, fortunately, our brain invents, colour, dress and built the feeling of love!

The stages of love

How to explain that, crossed by a sudden thought, one can find himself overwhelmed by a feeling, a smell, an image, a memory? This phenomenon is based on the delicate balance that exists between excitatory and systems calming, which makes our behaviours are often spontaneous and immediate. At the heart of the desire to enter into a relationship with the other is a messenger essential for the brain: dopamine, a true hormone of desire.

Love takes place in several stages, which vary in time. It all starts with attraction, that subtle alchemy that is the sign of a successful encounter. The desire of seduction and desire that result, often achieved through sex, can lead then to passion, and then move towards a commitment to sustainability.

The stress of the encounter

What happens in the brain during a stroke of a lightning? It all starts with an alert response. It is necessary to enter in the intimacy of the other, an unknown person, the trac installs, we don’t know what can happen… Our body reacts by releasing norepinephrine, a chemical messenger in the stress. Close to the adrenaline, the noradrenaline is, like it, produced by the adrenal glands. Increasing such vigilance, arousal and learning, she is responsible for some of the symptoms of the thunderbolt: the heart beats faster, the pupils dilate… The norepinephrine prevents us to sleep and decreases our appetite.

The symptoms of lightning are reinforced by the release of adrenaline, which also occurs at this time. Our heart rhythm goes out of control, we become red, we have a stomach ache… Our body gets a burst of energy, as if he was about to have to flee. Fortunately for the survival of our species, dopamine counterbalances this effect. The Hormone of pleasure and motivation, which is released in particular when we engage in a pleasurable activity, the dopamine can pass the stage of initial stress: desire is the strongest, and the meeting is successful.

The central actor of this involuntary answer of our organs, that it feels, literally, in our guts, is located in the heart of the brain: it is the hypothalamus. This small region of the size of a hazelnut is involved in important physiological functions such as sleep, the sensations of hunger and thirst, sleep, or even the regulation of the body temperature. During the meeting, it is the hypothalamus that sends the adrenal glands to signal the production of noradrenaline and adrenaline. And therefore, that we stress, as the brain is in such a hurry that it works!


Lesson of wisdom navajo : learn to not take

In the eyes of the peoples, the roots, wanting to take is a characteristic of the Whites, in their relations with others and nature.

Frederika Van Ingen
– Updated on February 19, 2019 at 15:57


For the Navajo

“Look me in the eye when you tell me ! “Here is an injunction unthinkable for the Navajo. Among the Diné, “the people”, as they call themselves, polite to the contrary : “For them, look the other in the eyes during the exchange, it is to want him to take something,” explains Lorenza Garcia, a visual artist and singer, passeuse in France of navajo culture.

The sight of the nations roots, this is also a characteristic of the Whites, in their relationship to others as to the nature : to want to take. For the Navajo, look the interviewer in the eye is symptomatic of this. Through the window of the soul, the one who listens becomes a little voyeur. And the one who speaks, seeking to please, is lost a little himself.

Gold for them, the quality of this inner space from which we speak is essential to preserve, to maintain hozho. This last term covers nine qualities : beauty, joy, compassion, prosperity, love, consciousness, health, harmony, and humor. Maintain hozho in itself and around itself, even and especially in the face of adversity, is, in their view, the function of the human being : to become the crossing point of harmony between heaven and earth.

And at us ?

The exchange, by a simple set of eyes, can turn into gain or loss of power, conscious or not. Flee the look in speaking is to us rather inappropriate. Nevertheless, the spirit of this way to make Dinner is worth to grow. Despite this visual connection, you can try to stay, in a convertion, at the heart of the self. Experience his emotions without being in reaction, to slow down the speech rate, providing the time of one breath.

And, why not, divert the eyes to observe the world, while considering the colour of this relationship that is woven in the heart of the landscape…

The great awakening

The Navajos live on the largest reservation in the United States from Arizona, New Mexico, Utah and Colorado. In 1868, only nine thousand survive the forced march to which is subjected this people to the end of the wars of conquest. Today, they are about three hundred thousand, and wake up their language and culture.

How to bridge the “orgasmic gap”?

When it is a question of orgasm, there is a there is a significant disparity between men and women; scientists call this difference the ” gap orgasmic “. How to understand this discrepancy between the sexual fulfilment of the female and male? And especially, how to reduce it?

By Gonzalo R. Quintana Zunino, a doctor of neuroscience and Conall, Eoghan Mac’cionnaith lecturer, Concordia University, Montréal originally published on The Conversation

Study the orgasm is no easy task. The research that we are conducting at Concordia University, in Montreal, is concerned with the psychology of sexual behaviour. We are particularly interested in the ” controversy “ surrounding the orgasm is clitoral versus vaginal orgasm.

We conducted a literature synthesis on the current state of knowledge and different points of view concerning this phenomenon in women. The characterization of the female orgasm is the subject of debate for over a century. Although scientists have an idea of what constitutes an orgasm, there is still much uncertainty regarding the manner in which it occurs.

The orgasm was one of the rare phenomena that occur as the result of the simultaneous interaction and highly complex of several physiological mechanisms and psychological. There may be reasons for the evolutionary explaining why men are more likely to reach orgasm during sex. However, we should not restrict ourselves to this idea. In fact, a part of the problem lies in the bedroom.

To have and have not

Each person has its own preferences when it is a question of sexual practices. However, we have all one thing in common: we know what it is like to have an orgasm, or not having them. It can happen to us to have a sexual intercourse without reaching orgasm, and this is quite normal. In fact, people can have sex for different reasons. There remains, however, that many studies have shown that women achieve orgasm less often than men during sex.

For example, in a survey of national scope conducted in the United States for an orgasm reported by women, men have said three. Heterosexual men are said to have frequently, or always reached orgasm in the course of an intimate relationship, or 95 % of the time.

This disparity seemed to be less prevalent among homosexual and bisexual people, while 89 % of homosexual men, 88 % of bisexual men, 86 % of lesbians and 66 % of bisexual women have been told to achieve orgasm during sex.

Now, let us look more closely and this may explain the gap orgasmically. The research shows that the type of relationship that we have with our partner there is for something. Thus, in the case of an individual engaged in a long-term relationship, the gap will tend to reduce, while it will be rather inclined to be exacerbated in the case of a casual sexual relationship.

Thus, the women involved in a long-lasting relationship say they reach orgasm at a high frequency, up to 86 % of the time, while those who prefer the casual sex mention having an orgasm 39 % of the time. Please also note that heterosexual women often reach and easily orgasm through masturbation.

Similarly, the more the partner has a thorough knowledge of the female genitals (especially the clitoris), the more likely that the woman has orgasms frequently are high. Finally, and most importantly, the respondents noted that the type of stimulation the most reliable way to reach orgasm in woman is the oral sex.

We don’t know why there’s such a difference between casual sex and long term relationships. But, a part of the answer may lie in the way in which we communicate our desires and expectations on the sexual level, as well as in our attitude towards sexual pleasure.


Ca wants to say what, be normal ?

We may be very attached to the idea of not being as Mr. or Ms. All-the-World, let’s face it : we are all deeply influenced by what our society considers as normal. But what do we mean really by “be normal” ? This is the whole problem, ” says the philosopher Alain de Botton the School of Life.

Alain De Botton
– Updated on February 19, 2019 at 15:15

Why do we grant it so much importance on what we mean by “be normal” ? Primarily because we are creatures collective ! We are extremely receptive to group dynamics, and sensitive to the way in which we integrate or not.

Regardless of the importance we place on individualism and our own uniqueness, we are, in fact, deeply influenced by the idea of what our society considers as “normal”.

This is the problem, since our idea of what is normal is in fact, very often, very far from reality.

Many of the things that we consider weird, disconcerting, strange – and, we imagine, we leave the other – are in reality completely trivial and very common :


How to boost creativity ? Mapping ideas with visual thinking ? Skip to the action ? Some of the issues addressed in the month of January the School of Life. Find more information and the course calendar on the website www.theschooloflife.com


• you have the feeling of having married the wrong person

• the success of a friend makes you sick with jealousy

• you think of the companion of your sister when you are in bed

• you want to cry when you are criticized

• you don’t like your image

• do you panic at the idea of having a conversation with a stranger

• you stressez to the idea of farting in public

• you are afraid to vomit in the middle of a meeting because of the stress

• you sleep always hurt the hotel

• you have the voice that weakens or chevrote when you need to talk to someone important

• you are afraid to sit on dirty toilets

• you stumble on the edge of the sidewalk

• you think certain members of your own family-sexual way

• you bump the head trying to climb casually in a taxi

• you feel attracted by people of strange that the news (the Russian president for example)

• you masturbate a lot

• you consider yourself as an imposter

• you stressez to the idea of not getting to the bathroom in time

• you bump into doors, poles, posts and mirrors

• you are often afraid that they could see your private parts

• you are afraid of postillonner without wanting to be on your dinner companion at the restaurant

• you fear that others will think that you are a pervert

• you always think of a relationship that ended badly eleven years ago

… then congratulations : you are completely normal.


Put yourself to the test !

Are you yourself ? How to know if one is oneself ? And, between making sacrifices, ambitions, and inhibitions, how to find his way ?

The image of normality as conveyed by our culture is today defined so simplistically. First problem : this vision emphasizes our tendency to emphasize the appearance – the image that it refers to the other – to the detriment of the interiority, suggesting that it is normal, for example, to have a kitchen sparkling, or go on holiday abroad every year.

The other big problem is that our concept of normality has distorted our perception of what is a human being. Our culture wants to spread the idea that a self-organized, quiet and refined is the way to be standard for most people. This leads us to be impatient, we feel discouraged when we are not at the height. We cry out that we need to get a grip, get a grip, stop being so weak or weird.

But instead of insisting we conform to this idea of normalcy – that of a calm, coherent and rational – and we feel ashamed if we do not, it is better to recognize the pervasiveness and the complete normality of the folly, stubbornness and the concerns that characterise each human being.

Why laugh at us when someone falls or stumbles?

You should you rush to help a friend who has just spread it out all along, and that would have been so wrong. However, you can’t help but laugh at the sight of this spectacle preposterous. Don’t worry, you are not inherently bad, we demonstrated a study on brain activity in the face of the comic scenes or burlesque.

By Andrea Ostojic

You have been invited to the wedding of a couple friends. Leaving the town hall, the bride takes her feet in her dress, misses a step and falls miserably on the floor. You are then taken(e) with laughter irresistible. OK, this is not funny… But, in fact, though, this is hilarious ! See a person make a fool of himself while doing evil should rather elicit our empathy. So, why this type of situation gives us-t-it for a laugh ? Why are we so wicked ? Italian researchers, who have their own idea about the issue, have conducted an experiment to learn more.

The study

They asked 30 students to view 210 photos with people in the process of breaking the figure or other situations a little burlesque. There were 3 types of pictures : pictures where the faces of the people expressing of suffering or of anger ; the pictures on which the people had an air of nonplussed ; and, finally, photos where we could not distinguish the expression of the face. 20 pictures of landscapes that have been incorporated into this series. The participants were asked to view 230 photos, and press a button when there appeared to be a landscape photo (the purpose of this task is to get them to look at all the pictures without anyone knowing what was the purpose of the experiment). During exercise, the electrical activity of their brain was recorded. They were then asked to rate the degree of humor of each picture.

Results : the expression’s bewildered face amuses us

The photos showing people who had an air of bemused were found to be more funny than the ones where the people had the air to suffer or to be angry, and more funny as well as photos in which the expression of the face was not visible. The data collected by electroencephalography seem to confirm that it is the expression of the face on the photos, which triggers a sensation of fun.

Conclusion : we laugh at the incongruity, not the suffering

When we see someone break the figure, one of the main elements that trigger our hilarity would therefore be the expression that appears on the face of the unfortunate individual. If her face shows the suffering, we will feel empathy and will therefore not amused by his situation. If, on the other hand, it has an air of bemused, nonplussed, we want to laugh. This could be explained by a theory according to which everything that makes us laugh comes from incongruity, that is to say, the simultaneous presence of 2 items that do not go together : here, there is an incongruity between the situation (a fall without gravity) and the expression of the face (an air of bemused-like, at the level of the gaze, to the fear). The next time you stumbles in the street, don’t forget to grimace in pain : you receive in passers-by of empathy rather than mockery.

The Bullet Journal : book all-in-one-for-one daily more serene

Organize, list, prioritize, dating… the whole, in a single book, personalized with his picture and imagined according to his own needs. This is the promise made by the new tool trend, in which craving maniacs of the organization as the procrastinators have repented. The object, a simple book, has the vocation to become the central memory of its owner, in order to “keep a trace of the past, organize the present and plan for the future,” says its creator has named his concept Bullet Journal (the “journal with fleas” in French).

Anne-Laure Vaineau
– Updated on February 19, 2019 at 15:41


“Take an APPOINTMENT at the dentist for Julie”, “Remind Martin about the seminar”, “Buy cereal for breakfast”, “Find a destination for the next holiday”. The list could continue indefinitely… they are noted on a piece of paper, a note on our smartphone, or simply in a corner of our brain, the task – personal as well as professional that we assign ourselves daily, from the most trivial to the most existential, tend to accumulate. Up to sometimes form a huge traffic jam in our heads. Result : we may forget some, neglect of others, have the impression to saturate, never to do anything as it should and when it should be. And strength, we allow ourselves to be overwhelmed by a sense of failure and fatigue, constant mental.

If you think that it would just be more simple to try to do less and to stop trying to build the productivity and effectiveness in the true pillars of your life, go your way and go to enjoy the free time you just gained. For others, addicted to planning for well-ordered or in search of a solution to your eternal postponements to the next day, the Bullet Journal may be the tool you need.

How does it work ?



What material to choose ? How to starting a Bullet Journal ? The improve on a daily basis ? Elodie, the author of the blog SohoHana to explain to you in her illustrated book Bullet Revolution (Dunod). Perfect for beginners !

The system is intended as minimalist : a blank notebook and a pen. In reality, entering the world of “Bujo” (the nickname that fans give to their Bullet Journal), it is to put one foot in the abundant universe of stationery and DIY (Do it yourself). What book ? What are the pens ? What markers, crayons, stickers and other masking tapes (kinds of adhesive tapes, decorative) to choose ? The Bullet Journal is not a simple diary, or a notepad enhanced, it is a real book personalized, a diary, and, simultaneously, an external hard drive of our brain. It must be aesthetic, functional, but also fulfilling. Both by the satisfaction of duty accomplished, that he set (each task performed is striped, checked, or, in one way or another, “validated”) by the enjoyment of his achievement itself. And for those who have not too artistically ? The market is full of alternatives : models to print or copy, stickers to buy…

The origin of this concept, a graphic designer new york (Ryder Carroll) that the video, which summarizes in a few steps (and in English) the creation of the famous tool, continues to do the world tour three years later.

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Once these images have been viewed (even after having read or worked on the many tutorials that abound on the web), it would only remain then to begin : find the book and the material suited to our desires and our budget, build our own coded language (a chip for a task, a round for an appointment, an arrow for a report etc…) then create the site map. Annual Planning, monthly, weekly. Page birthdays. Routines (beauty, wellness, sports). Lists of life. Objectives, readings, cinema, exhibitions… Anything is possible and imaginable.

It is then a matter of getting down to list, and then prioritize, everything that until then was spinning in our brains and on our various bits of paper. And to make it fit in the right boxes.

At this point, theoretically, the hard part is done. It remains for you to hold on and you hold on a daily basis with the use of this new tool that aims to revolutionise your life and send you to rest your mind. Provided you do not use it all the time won for colouring pages… But rather to take advantage finally of your hours released. Without having to think of what awaits you tomorrow ?




Working at home, from fantasy to reality

Exercise his profession at home is the dream of many employees. Each wish to gain in efficiency, the other better reconcile professional and private life. Telework, panacea or smoke and mirrors ? Our reporter returned home to do the test.

Laurence Lemoine
– Updated on February 19, 2019 at 14:57


Office or home ?

The rain trickles on the windows of the writing, I just spend an hour in the subway, ten minutes under the shower, I’m in a bad mood. I’m going to make myself a coffee, I meet my girlfriends at the machine : “You’ve had a good weekend ? “Let’s go, I return to my office, my colleague opposite is asking me for a opinion on a book, behind a good joke. Twenty minutes have elapsed, I’m thrown for almost three hours, the days go by too fast. Metro + job + sleep = stress + burnout. I am considering : one, to relocate the office near me ; two, to build an office corner at home. I propose an article : “telework, advantages and disadvantages “. In the day, I get e-mails from my colleagues : “I’m counting on you to promote the “formula,” If you do this go in our morals, I am very grateful “.

In the afternoon, my subject is the summary of the next issue. Hey, the title has changed : “Working at home, from fantasy to reality “. I saw very well how to argue the benefits, but it seems that my chief would like that the disadvantages prevail. I am announcing my intention to investigate the field. It translates : “You want to go home with you, what. “I grab my jacket.


First day test : not everything is luxury, calm and voluptuousness. In the solitude of my sweet home, I work two times faster, two times more. In addition to that, I took my time this morning, just put on a jogging for driving in my little home of her nanny, read the press at the café, lunch in front of a DVD, unpacked, putting the music in the background, and dreamed of what I could do with these hours earned on transportation – tinker, swim, take the kids to the ride… stock of the day : telework = the time for me.

Appointment with Chine Lanzmann, coach and trainer. It follows a majority of women’s creative company. I share his opinion : “Work at home, is a promise of performance. In general, this choice comes at the arrival of the children, in order to better balance professional life and family life. Home installation is also a response to boredom, the feeling of having reached a glass ceiling, and a need for autonomy and creativity. Moreover, it often leads to a independent activity. “I entrust that my head is not too much for. And that, in conversation on my laptop this morning, I was asked for my landline number. I felt monitored. She observes : “telework requires mutual trust. If you want to reassure your hierarchy, give him first the opportunity to express its fears, it is a basic principle of nonviolent communication, a process developed in the 1970s by the american psychologist Marshall Rosenberg. That fear she ? That everyone do the same ? You get to work less ? That the communication goes less well ? Reference to these points will help them to better accept your motivations. “


It could go on lollipop. I let my alarm clock to ring five times before I lift, I like to lounge about in my bath, carefree, I will work longer this evening. In the morning, bug on my computer, I put an hour to resolve the problem for ten minutes in the log with our engineer of record. 11 o’clock, I fight with my neighbor, who wants me pervert with a cup of tea. 14 hours, the nanny called, my son has fever, I’m not far, I’m not going to ask her father to return. I try to work during his nap, the babysitter sounds, inspection of the valves, there is a water leak in the building. Out of inspiration, my colleagues are not there to distract me or for me re-motivate. I’m still jogging, shaggy, limit désocialisée. My boss calls : “In fact, you saw the folder of Obs (n° 2262 – march 13 to 19, 2008) on work-related stress ? There was a guy who said that he was past telecommuting to be more cool, but that, in the end, he was even more stressed out. “

I met Luce Janin-Devillars, a clinical psychologist, psychoanalyst and coach. It accompanies, at the request of their employer, employees encouraged to switch to teleworking. “Sometimes, the proposal is perceived as a liberation : finished the hierarchy, the hours, the promiscuity, it is a relief. Sometimes, the loss of part of the business can be very anxiety-provoking. Some do not know to organize and wander between the fridge and the tv. The others are working without knowing when to stop, for fear of being forgotten by the company. The distance often creates the fear of the closet or termination. “

The other major difficulty : to know how to erect barriers between the private sphere and the professional sphere. As a psychoanalyst, Luce Janin-Devillars works with employees relocated on ” the representation of time, the containers psychic who must find a translation in space, and the notion of limit “. She notes that ” working at home can have a beneficial effect on family relations : who has the right to touch the computer, when it can disturb the one who works, who does the shopping, so many opportunities to redefine the rules, the prohibited, the difference between the sexes and generations “. Its vision : “telecommuting is not so idyllic as we think it is, but we can make this change is not always desired, an opportunity of personal growth. “

Is one obliged to love its mother ?


A social obligation

“I don’t like my mother. “Very few of us can say it. The words are too violent, the taboo is still too strong. “We have it and me a report of politeness, an appearance of a normal relationship,” says Virginia, 35, documentary filmmaker. Let’s say that I get along with it, without a qualifier. “Just as modest, Ricardo, 37 years old, an architect, considers that it maintains a relationship of “cordial” with his, ” but not complicity no “.

“Mother, it’s still socially sacred, ensures the sociologist Christine Castelain-Meunier. Between the breakdown of family structures, sexual identities, and parenting that are blurred, we live in a pivotal period. In full loss of points of reference, one winces on the known, fixed things that have proven successful : the image of the mother traditional became more untouchable than ever. “The idea is unbearable :” To say that it was a bad mother, it can destroy, ” says the psychoanalyst Alain Braconnier. As you can imagine, she has given you life, she would have the power to give you death… It is the myth of Medea, infanticide. “

The therapist observes in passing that, in most fairy tales, the evil, it is always the mother-in-law : “We have operated in the displacement required for the expression of feeling. This shows how difficult it is to manifest negative feelings against his mother, but also to what extent they exist. It remains in the ambivalence permanent. “

A fused relationship

“When the child is small, his mom is a perfect, able to meet all his needs, reminds the psychologist Danielle Rapoport, author of The Well-treatment towards the child (read more below). When he realizes that she is imperfect, the shock is brutal. The more the relationship is bad, the more the impact is violent, and sometimes leads to a deep resentment that borders on hatred. “

We’ve all had those moments of violent anger against her, because she has not satisfied a desire, because she has disappointed us or were injured. We are all told, clenched his fists very hard : “I hate it. “It is even a passage :” These moments of hostility are part of the development of the child, ” says Alain Poacher. All is well if they are punctual. On the other hand, if they settle in the long term, it is more problematic. It is often the case with children of mothers with narcissistic, depressive, too demanding or abandonniques. “

In this relationship, symbiotic in nature, the violence of feelings is also proportional to the intensity of the merger. Children unique or raised by a single woman have more difficulties than others to admit that they do not like their mother. This is the case of Romain, 30 years old, a journalist, who lived alone with his mother in a fully interdependent : “I was his reason for living. It was a privileged place, of course, but it was too heavy to bear. I’ve had a hard to meet someone. In this case, a boy, this was the only solution. With a girl, the competition would be too rough ! “Today, the ties are still very strong :” I can’t stand to be away from it, I live just next door… At the same time, I know very well that this relationship denies access to a true freedom. “

They are very little cutting actually the bridges with their parent. They refuse to blame him, try to understand it, find excuses : a difficult childhood, an environment that is weighing, a husband absent. All are ” as if “. As if everything was going well, and most importantly, do not talk about it, ” to avoid the conflict that would lead me to a point of no return “, note Roman. They maintain the link, whatever it costs. “I see duty, regret, Anna, age 26, landscape architect. I know she loves me, and I don’t want to hurt him. “

The ” original debt “


Key ideas

– A taboo. The idea of a mother “unlovable” and “not beloved” is unsustainable in itself.
– A sense complex. And yet, some mothers are ” evil-loving “, or even ” evil “.
– To find balance. If it is too difficult to reject them, he must try to protect ourselves by taking distance.

Sociologists and psychologists speak of an ” original debt “, and its corollary, the guilt, which lasts throughout life and is tying us to that which we gave it. And then the hope, buried, but tough, that things will eventually change : “The reasonable portion of my being knows that it will not move ever, admits to Virginia, and, at the same time, there was always this desire inside of me that everything is sorted out one day. “

Mary, 60 years old, has lost a child at birth : “I thought that this time, I was finally going to have the right to speak. But no, to my mother, the disappearance of this baby was not that bad, since I had not even seen it ! From there, I did not sleep terrible. For years and years. Until the day when my psych has given me to understand that I didn’t like my mother and that I had the right to. Since then, I sleep. “

We have the right, but we dare not use it… ” We all have in us the longing for the good parent, advance Alain Braconnier, never think have been loved exactly as we wanted. When the story is painful, it is even more complicated. It fails to leave his mother when she too loved, as when she has not loved enough. “

Only the mother as ” good enough “, in the words of the psychoanalyst and paediatrician English Donald Winnicott (The Mother’s good-enough – Payot, “Small Library”), allows us to acquire serenely autonomy of the adult : the one who, by satisfying our desires, teaches us that life is worth living ; the same who, in frustrating to some, we are also told that he will have to conquer it alone this autonomy.

The fear to be as it

Become mothers in their turn, Virginia and Mary have kept the link to their children, with the hope that their ” bad “mother to become at least a “good” grandmother. Has the birth of his first child, Virginia was viewed videos shot by her father when she was little. She saw a woman who laughed, and a little pampered girl. “It has done me good,” she recalls. In fact, it was reality when I was a teenager, but before, she seemed happy to have me. This is no doubt due to those early years that I have been able to be a good mother. But when I see it has upset my children, I am upset, because I take consciousness of what it has become. “

Like Virginia, Marie has taken his mother as antimodèle to build the link with her children. And it worked : “at the end of a long phone conversation, my daughter said to me : “It’s good to speak with you.” I hung up, and I burst into tears. I was proud to have corrected the shot, you have managed to build a beautiful relationship with my children, and, at the same time, I realized that I had never had. “

The failure of original maternal love was offset in part by someone who has provided these women with the desire to have a child, and has delivered the keys to raise, love and be loved : by these ” tutors of resilience “, according to the expression of the neuropsychiatrist Boris Cyrulnik, or these ” artisans of the well-treatment “, to Danielle Rapoport, these childhoods dented can give mothers repaired.

SOS winter : my kit nature

Trace elements, aigremoine, cinnamon, essential oil of ravintsara… Discover the right actions to preserve you from infections of the winter the natural way.

Updated on February 19, 2019 at 10:19


Trace elements

Copper, gold and silver, against the epidemics. To protect you from winter infections, a course of a copper-gold-silver, a week, a month, or as soon as the first signs of infection for five to fifteen days (one dose in the morning). Stuffy nose or early inflammation ? Think of the Granions silver : two light bulbs in the morning and evening in the nose (antiseptic local).

Bismuth, against sore throat. A light bulb in the morning and evening as soon as the first symptoms.

Chrome, against the cravings. To help the pancreas and the liver to regulate the management of the sugar (in the winter, we eat more fatty and sweet), a light bulb of chrome all days between 16 hours and 18 hours, in the course of a month.

Aigremoine (Agrimonia evpatoriya L.)


The good gesture

The essential oil of ravintsara, an antiviral drug pocket. Inhaling a few drops placed on a handkerchief, a pillow case, shirt collar, or rub on the wrists or the soles of the feet to cut it short at the beginning of infection, and even protect against the outbreak.

As soon as the first flu-like symptoms (fatigue, aches and pains). An infusion of the leaves and flowers of aigremoine stimulates your immune defenses to fight against viruses and bacteria.

If the infection is already installed. It softens the throat, acts on the fever while draining the liver and the pancreas (also interesting after the excesses of the holidays !).

For gastroenteritis : the aigremoine is also anti-diarrheal. In practice : for an adult, a handful in a liter of hot water : leave to infuse for ten to fifteen minutes, then drink throughout the day. In case of fever and fatigue, you can add a few pieces of ginger root.

Cinnamon (Cinnamomum verum)

Its digestive virtues are known (bloating, cramping), but it is also an anti-infective broad spectrum (viruses, bacteria, fungi, parasites) are effective in cases of ENT diseases, pulmonary, digestive or urinary tract. Cinnamon is also a tonic through its support of the adrenal, endocrine glands in very high demand by our active lives and stressful.

In practice. To strengthen your body, integrate it on a daily basis in your desserts or herbal tea (without abusing on the dose). Would prefer the bar or choose the powder fresh (less than a year). Its essential oil is irritating and reserved to the medical prescription.

The recipe antifrissons. As soon as the first symptoms are, heat for ten minutes in a bowl of water with a lemon cut in two and a cinnamon stick. Press the lemon, fi ltered, add a teaspoon of honey, dark brown and drink several times a day.

Thanks to Jean-Christophe Charra, general practitioner and lecturer in herbal medicine clinic.

To go further

==> Prevent and soothe the ailments of winter with essential oils

To prepare for the winter, the essential oils stimulate the natural defenses of the body, and help to overcome colds, runny nose, bronchitis, cough and other breathing difficulties caused by the cold.

Meeting : the pitfalls of a lightning

An intense burning, a wonderful pain… “happiness in the pure state” that is the thunderbolt can strike anyone, anytime, and often those who least expected it. Its main danger : to believe even more strongly in the illusion of the perfect agreement.

Marie-Laure Uberti
– Updated on February 19, 2019 at 10:28



Elsa Cayat, alive, as the desire

The psychoanalyst, who was murdered at Charlie Hebdo, January 7, 2015, is still there. In ” I don’t want to go there mom “, documentary in preparation, Antonio Fischetti, who was sent to the couch for Elsa, unearthing images of it moving. It speaks of desire, of love. Financed by crowdfunding, the project has achieved its objectives, but it is still possible to participate in the adventure. https://fr.ulule.com/film-maman/

When Peter crossed Sylvie, neither he nor she was looking for love. At least they were sure of it. He had to develop his loft and had to take advantage of his sumptuous apartment ; she was about to leave to study in California for three years. That evening, she organized a celebration for his departure. He landed in it on the arm of a wave of conquest, the shock ! “The attraction that I felt for Sylvie was so violent that I was scared,” remembers Peter. I didn’t want to believe it, I was lying to myself because this stroke of lightning disturbed my peace ! I left the evening convinced to stay there, but the next morning his presence I missed already. I called. “The same revelation in Sylvie :” as Soon as I saw Stone, I was mesmerized. I knew that my destiny to be played in that precise moment, that he was the mysterious piece of the puzzle that was missing to my happiness. When he phoned me, I made the decision totally crazy to cancel my departure. I’ve never regretted. “

Lightning, there are thousands. All tell the same thing. A meeting a sudden and violent that throws the lover on another planet where emotions, feelings and desire are at their peak. How does this type of meeting is it different from the other ? Can it lead to a lasting relationship ? Marie-Noëlle Schurmans and Loraine Dominicé, sociologists, Alain Delourme, doctor of psychology, and Elsa Cayat, psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, invites us to understand the mechanisms to better avoid traps.

In the thunderbolt, the other is deified

The coup de foudre is a love from the outset as a whole which calls into question the very existence of beings that it hits. Like spellbound, they no longer follow the normal steps of the process of intimisation and of the knowledge of the other, specific to birth a classical relationship.

The surprise effect short-circuits the thinking and considers the thought. “It’s like a physical shock, says Séverine. A blow on the head that changes colors, shapes. It no longer controls anything, it is propelled into orbit without a stop.” In an instant, the lovers feel alone in the world, without landmarks. A intense burning and it is a wonderful pain – consume them. Love at first sight, say the Anglo-Saxons : “love at first sight”, the happiness in the pure state. “It is a mixture of aspects to be intriguing and scary, magic of fate, a sudden condensed reports of life and death”, as defined by Marie-Noëlle Schurmans and Loraine Dominicé. This momentum fusional is based on a set of desires satisfied simultaneously : complicity, humor, sensuality, sexuality.

Where a “completeness” absolute. “It is also a shock, “specular””, said Alain Delourme. That is to say that unconsciously, each of the partners believes to be in a relationship with another self, a twin, a perfect image of him. But the thunderbolt is not a head-to-head narcissist, it is also a meeting paroxysmal during which “the other affects us, because, suddenly, he brings what we lack. And as we’re not conscious of it, the other is deified”, said Elsa Cayat.

It does not happen to others

No one is immune. Lightning can strike anyone, anytime. And, most often, it falls on those who least expected it. They are so surprised that they bear the brunt of what they believe to be ” the ” great love. To think that it only happens to others is a mistake that can cost very expensive. Caught in a flood of love, some are ready to drop everything on a whim, to leave a husband or wife, children, work. Expect to be encouraged to be more careful, to better understand that there may be a crisis, without immediately taking drastic decisions.

There is no predisposition at the stroke of lightning. But it is true, however, that some people rush willingly in conduct adolescent girls with, models, characters of fairy tales. They believe that true love must inevitably begin by this spell immediately, and then grow in a perfect harmony, sexual and mental, to disappear at the first disappointment. An illusion that media and cinema favour by exposing constantly of the love starlets as brief as frequent. The love remains in its infancy romantic facts of likes sensual and satisfying narcissistic.

I am very discreet

Prudish or shy, they claim : to live happy, live hidden ! But are they really happy ? That hides their modesty ? Can they learn the lightness ? Freedom ?

Dawn Aimelet
– Updated on February 18, 2019 at 17:30


Emma, the lovely owner of 38 years, ” militates against the grand unpacking. I don’t like to show off, as young women of today. I don’t want to be able to have access to me, to my intimacy.”

Where is the modesty ?

First, it can be learned. Children, we are sorely lacking. “Then, around 7 or 8 years, because it incorporates the existence of the gaze of the other, she settles down and starts to close the door of the bathroom,” notes Sophie Horse, a psychologist. But it is also a concept very personal. The psychiatrist Jean-Christophe Seznec, author of I stopped fighting my body (PUF, 2014) explains that ” the physical distance between the self and the other is not the same as the distance psychic. We may feel helpless in revealing clothes when others will be comfortable in the attire of Eve.”

Am I old fashioned ?


To read

The Sociology of the body of David Le Breton. The sociologist, examines our relationship to the body, the object of a thousand representations (PUF, “que sais-je ?”, 2012).

Sophie’s Horse was found that ” modesty is no longer in fashion. Once a symbol of virtue, it is today ringardisée. Now, it’s about being uninhibited and extroverted “. And if it is not ? “The feeling of being broken arises. It assimilates the fact to be very modest to a weakness so that it is only a judgment. “The” very ” said the self-assessment according to a standard. Such negative beliefs are a source of insecurity to both differentiate yourself from the group, weakens the feeling of belonging.

I am afraid to be judged

Hide our body returns to hide us. “Modesty can be a defense reaction,” Dr. Seznec. We protect ourselves from a very archaic because our emotional brain we ordered. “Of course, we can have the fear of being judged by the other. “But we can also be afraid of our own emotions : to feel shame or excitement, for example. “We are preserving everything that we could lay bare ; yet our feelings reveal our whole being. It is less the fear of being seen as the one to be seen.

I want to be loved

Virginia Megglé, psychoanalyst, raises an inconsistency. “”I don’t want to be seen” is a negative formulation and say : “I want to be seen”. To be loved and recognized. The great shy deploy treasures of imagination to disguise themselves, a sign of a flaw narcissistic. “And the psychoanalyst, to clarify that the look that we have on our appearance is in reality conditioned by our personal history, by our emotional experiences, bodily and psychic. If they have been rewarding, we will gladly accept them we open. Failing that, the image we have of ourselves will be complicated to appreciate. And so to share.

Can we live without lying ?


In his hometown of Königsberg, in east Prussia the philosopher Immanuel Kant rants and raves. He comes to discover ” political reactions “, a text in which Benjamin Constant, writer and politician French, says it can be perfectly legitimate to lie, and that it is, indeed, sometimes a duty. “Every man is not worthy to hear the truth,” he wrote. Only the right one who respects me. “We’re in 1797, France fate of the reign of Terror introduced by Robespierre. Many suspects have had the life saves thanks to the trickery, deception, and denial. It is this situation that refers to Benjamin Constant.

But to Immanuel Kant, a supporter of a legal entity with no exception, lying is always wrong. “By him, the man makes himself contemptible in the eyes of others. It is a crime of man against his own person ” (Foundations of the metaphysics of morals, The Book of pocket). Would he give his best friend a refugee home of the assassins ? To denounce the migrant hidden ? Probably ! “While making believe to his enemies that the fugitive had already escaped, I’m not sure I can save it, argues Kant. On the other hand, one thing is for sure : I will have denied the truth ! “

However, Kant clarifies that nothing prevents us from silencing a part of the truth. If my neighbor asks me, out of pure courtesy, if I’m doing well, nothing forbids me to answer him in the affirmative, without mentioning my marital problems and professionals. Not because I know for a fact that he did not want to hear. But because the silence does not attack the moral law. The debate between Immanuel Kant and Benjamin Constant is now a classic question of philosophy. Their difference of position is that the first has the head in the universe ethereal ideas, when the second envisages a concrete situation. And, it is often because we are in the pure intellect, the “mind,” that we get lost in assumptions unclear. In real life, not always to lie we would be social suicide or would make us criminals.

The lie is sometimes more effective than the truth

Today, with the quest for happiness that characterize our time, the philosophical current that inspires us is not the moral absolute of Kant, but the utilitarianism of John Stuart Mill (1806-1873) wondering how to increase the amount of well-being in the world. His thinking, pragmatic, does not care about intentions but the outcome of the acts. Before you open the mouth, I have to weigh the pros and the cons, calculate the pros and cons of what I’m going to say. If a lie can kill four people and save the ten, there was no hesitation. Similarly, if I can improve the life of someone in the deceiving.

A utilitarian, believing that hope makes live, will not hesitate to tell his old uncle suffering that the doctors predicted a speedy recovery. This lie will boost may be its pulsations of life. And by the same means, will be transformed into truth. Utilitarianism inspires many politicians, in that it grants a wide place to the “little arrangements” with the reality. The belief that only the result counts has allowed more of a say without missing a beat : “I’ve never opened a bank account in a tax haven, “” I have never provided employment dummy to my wife (or my children) “, etc. – These men believe so much in the accuracy of their comments that they are indignant to be questioned.

When a person is lying, amygdala, brain, nucleus, regulating emotions (especially fear), is active. It sends an alert signal in the form of anxiety, shame, to remember that lying is ugly. These emotions unpleasant are there to motivate us to avoid the moral danger incurred. However, the more we get used to lie, the less the amygdala is active. “Bah, it’s not serious,” would it say if it could speak.

And the “speak the truth” in all of this ?

Yes, that is it, “speak the truth” ? Françoise Dolto, in the 1970s, had alerted the parents : it is not necessary to lie to children, but to tell them the truths delicate with words they can understand. Moreover, the truth itself is supposed to come out of their mouth. Yet when Valentine complained that grandmother stings and smells bad, her parents invite her to be quiet. So speak the truth, yes, but not too much. To be sincere, of course, but know also retain his word. Not to lie, because it’s evil, but also learn how to deal with the real and the susceptibility of others. “What do you think of my new hairstyle ?” asks Ginette to her friend, Arlette. It is atrocious, but then that Arlette is a good girl, and she will arrange to pass on a message less cruel.

While being held for a behavior highly questionable, the lie is part of social relationships. We like to be seen as sincere, reliable, and at the same time, we have at least two lies per day, according to Claudine Biland, psychologist, author of Psychology of the liar (Odile Jacob “Pockets”).

It is that the relationship of humans to the truth and a lie is from the outset problematic. The man is a ” speaking being “, said the psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan : “it is “, by the language. However, as soon as the child begins to master it a bit seriously, he begins to lie. Because he exercises his imagination. To make the reality conform to her desires. Because it encounters situations it can’t cope. To escape his conscience. To control the other – adults. The headshrinkers for children find that the small lie, all the more that their environment requires of them, so tyrannical, the whole truth : “Do we hide anything. “The lie becomes a protection against the demands of the outside world.

Dedicated to the bad faith, we grow and persevere.

We lie out of weakness, out of politeness, sometimes out of need – will rejuvenate to get a job when you are a senior, for example. To read Sartre, we are disingenuous, in the sense of bad faith – because the freedom to be and say we got scared. In Being and Nothingness (Gallimard), he cites the example of the café waiter who shut themselves up frileusement in its role to avoid knowing who he is and what he really wants. By his gestures, his way of behaving, it attempts to persuade and make others believe that there is no other choice, other destiny for him.

If we do so often evidence of ” bad faith “, it is that staying in the us of the dark places where the consciousness can delude itself. Philosophy and psychoanalysis agree on one point : a part of the – of our – truth remains necessarily inaccessible. “Everyone lies,” repeats Dr. House, the hero of the series of the same name. “We are committed to the lie,” proclaimed Lacan. We are condemned to ignore the reasons for our actions and our thoughts. Freud noted, however, that the more a person progresses in his analysis, the less it lies. This is to say that the more we strive to clarify the reasons for our actions, of our behaviour and of our blockages, the more we get closer to the truth. Most importantly, we become able to find the part of authenticity that contains any falsehood. It is that it is not an empty word : if it distorts the reality, it always says a lot about our vulnerability, our limitations and our desires.

To go further

==> These gestures that betray the lie

To hide an infidelity, avoid responsibility, or even conceal a secret embarrassing, some do not hesitate to use lies to disguise the truth as they see fit. It may be hard to recognize a speech is misleading, the actions can sometimes betray him. Explanations of a specialist in body language.

5 tips for overcoming the syndrome of the impostor

You doubt your legitimacy at work ? You have the impression that they do not deserve your professional success ? You may be suffering from the syndrome of the impostor, a sign of low self-esteem. Don’t worry : it is possible to exceed it.

By Fabienne Broucaret – My Happy Job

Updated on February 18, 2019 at 17:02


Manuela has got a nice promotion, but believes that it is thanks to a combination of circumstances. Eric has signed a major contract, but repeats that its relations have played more than his qualities as a negotiator. Sarah has won the first prize in a competition for his start-up, but is confident that other projects deserve more this award. “The syndrome of the impostor key of the people who perform obvious, but are unable to attribute their success to the analysis of psychologist Kevin Chassangre, co-author of Treating self-abasement. The syndrome of the impostor (Dunod). They think that if they have come there, that is, by misunderstanding or by chance, but never with their own qualities. These “impostors” are living in fear of being outed, despite objective evidence of success. They feel that they deceive others, to be overestimated. They tend to self-assess, to overestimate the exogenous factors of their success, to minimize their achievements or fear of failure. “

Thus, professional success does not always mean personal satisfaction. “This complex is an exacerbated form, or even toxic, the professional conscience,” added the coach Virginie Boutin, co-founder of Bloom’R, a website to help everyone find a job fulfilling. It is felt by people is often very demanding with themselves, who are very concerned about the quality of their work. “Their daily lives ? A lot of anxiety and insecurity, low self-efficacy and chronic dissatisfaction. Here are five tips to get out of it.

1° Make the point

This seems obvious, but it is essential : recognize that you are a victim of the syndrome of the impostor will help you to combat it. “It is first of all to define the problem in order to give contour and the perspective, writes Virginie Boutin. Ask yourself in what(s) area(s) it binds. Consider then the problems that this presents. If you continue to move forward in life feeling discomfort, fear of being “outed” just after a post for example, it is less disabling that if you do not send in any nominations so the fear is strong. “Get to the point on the severity of your syndrome : to what point you ask ? What is it prevents ? How long can this still last ?

To avoid. “Do avoid the habit of avoiding any unknown activity, prevents Virginia Boutin. Unless we confront the “risk” is, the more it feeds the feeling of illegitimacy. It is a horrible vicious circle. “

2° To silence your inner voice

The syndrome of the impostor is largely linked to your propensity to you talking to yourself. The next time your little voice starts to disparage your capabilities and your results, then shut up ! How ? Reflecting on your successes. “When I was president of the US Ivry handball, a club professional male, in order to persuade myself that I deserved my place, I say often to my RESUME, tells the story of Béatrice Barbusse, sociologist and author of the book Of the sexism in the sport (Anamosa). It allowed me to objectify my skills and feel more legitimate. A way of remembering my journey and everything that I had already managed to accomplish in my career. “Another idea : put your doubts to your loved ones. They will support you and help you to be more objective, to have more confidence in you. “The entourage is a real force, confirms Béatrice Barbusse. Do not be afraid to discuss with them your feelings subjective. They will bring you a different look. “And most importantly, accept their compliments.

To avoid. The self-absorption. If you shut up your sense of illegitimacy, which is very often the case, nobody can guess it and help you.

3° Keep track of your success

Your new best friend ? Your book of successes and compliments. “Accumulate the evidence of your skills and talents should you do a lot of good,” says Kevin Chassangre. Get in the habit of harvesting the feelings of others in relation to your work and make a note in your book. “In the same spirit, each time you receive a congratulations email, paste it in. As soon as the anxiety mounts or you have the impression of being good-for-nothing, go back in your book to make you full of confidence.

To avoid. Focus only on the negative. You still have positive things to draw from your experiences, even your failures !


Why some people eat too much when they are upset

Swallow a litre of ice cream in case of irritation : in the collective imagination, this practice has almost become a image of Épinal. If all the world does not need to empty an entire jar of chocolate spread chocolate to cheer you up, it seems that there are general differences in the way people are faced with events upsetting that affect them, with some being more likely to find comfort in food than others.

by Laura Wilkinson, lecturer in psychology, Swansea University, Angela Rowe, lecturer in social and cognitive psychology, University of Bristol, and Charlotte Hardman, a lecturer in nutrition and obesity, University of Liverpool, originally published on The Conversation.

This finding is important, because in a context of a tendency to excess food, the fact you have to eat to be able to cope with his negative feelings may promote’ overweight and obesity. However, the number of overweight and obese people is higher than ever. Recent estimates suggest that by 2025, 2.7 billion adults in the world are affected by obesity, which exposes them to health problems such as cardiovascular disease, type 2 diabetes and cancer.

Why, unlike others, some people deal with their emotions in having recourse to the food ? A psychological concept may help to explain this difference : the theory of adult attachment. Depending on the level reached by their fear of being abandoned by those they love, the adults are more or less high on the scale of the” anxious attachment “. The place where we stand on this last determines a set of expectations vis-à-vis the way we and others we behave in our personal relationships. These are put in place in response to the care we were given during our childhood, which may characterize our attachment style.

A recent meta-analysis (a study combining the results of many other studies) has shown that the more the anxiety of attachment to a person is, the higher it will adopt eating behaviors that are unhealthy, and this has a knock-on effect on his body mass index (BMI). Two other studies have also shown that patients who decide to undergo an intervention of bariatric surgery are likely to have scores of anxiety attachment higher than a comparable population made up of people thin. This difference could in part be explained by the tendency to overeat related to anxious attachment.

Understand the anxiety of attachment

It has been known for a long time that people who have an anxious attachment high are more likely to give importance to the frustrations as well as to manage more difficult emotions when they are angry. This is due to the way in which the orientations of attachment are initially in place. The dynamics and feelings associated with our long-term relationships the most important, including in early childhood, serve as role models and guide our behavior in relationships later as well as in stressful situations.

If someone is taking care of us with a constant attention, helping us to cope with the problems that we encounter during our life, we will develop an orientation secure attachment. When a negative event occurs in the life of people feeling very safe, they are able to turn to others to ask them for support, or to self-soothe themselves into thinking that the people who take care of them their would say in this situation.

However, if the care that we receive are inconsistent – for example in the case where the caregiver does not respond systematically to the needs – a certain degree of anxious attachment and a fear that our needs will not be met develop. In this case, if negative events occur, the support of others will be sought, but it will not be considered as reliable. People with anxious attachment are also less able to find the peace that the people, who have developed a secure attachment.

We have recently sought to verify if this poor management emotional could explain why people with anxious attachment are more likely to overeat. Importantly, we found that those experiencing anxiety, attachment high have more difficulty to take distance with which the thwarts, and to continue doing what they were supposed to do initially. They manage these negative emotions by using food, a behavior that is associated with a higher BMI.

It is important to note, however, that this anxiety is only one factor among many that may influence overeating and the increase in BMI. We cannot say that the anxiety attachment leads to overeating and weight gain. It is also possible that overeating and weight gain influence our direction in terms of attachment, or as both play a role.

Manage eating behaviors

For people with high levels of anxious attachment who are seeking to better manage their eating behaviors, the two approaches seem to be promising. It is either to work specifically on the direction of the attachment and/or to improve their skills of regulating their emotions.

To work on the orientation of the attachment, these people can use a psychological technique called ” priming security “. It is designed to stimulate the sense of security : this is to ensure that persons anxious to behave as if they were in the skin of people ” safe “, able to cope with the negative events of life. The beneficial effects resulting from it are felt more broadly, the people who use this techniques engaging in more behavior that is more prosocial.

One study at least has found a link between this “boot” and the consumption of cuts diet pills : when people think of the relationships that are safe for their life, they eat less, at the time of sessions of “snacking” later, when asked to reflect on relationships that generate anxiety (this work is, however, very preliminary, and has yet to be replicated, and in-depth).

In regard to the regulation of emotions, a recent article has highlighted the importance for people who are looking to lose weight to focus on stress management rather than on calorie restriction. This study does not concern only the people who are suffering from anxiety related to attachment, it would therefore be necessary to continue and deepen this work.

In a perfect world, of course, everyone should be able to experiment with relationships that would help him to develop a high level of security of attachment. There may be a third approach, less obvious : to improve, for everyone, caring for others, and interpersonal relationships.

To go further

To shed her unwanted pounds, the temptation of the strict diet is great, and the battle, lost in advance. Take the path a little longer, but much more sweet will on the other hand long-lasting results. Decryption of three false beliefs persist.

9 myths about vegetarianism


The vegetarians lack protein

“And protein ? “This sentence, vegetarians hear all the time ! No meat, not enough protein, a-t-we often tend to think…

The decryption of Elodie Vieille-Blanchard :
“The image that often comes up, is that to have the muscle you need to consume muscle. But to have good eyes, we are not going to swallow and eyes to have beautiful hair, we will not eat hair ! This kind of ideas is a kind of magical thinking. Few people know that we don’t take the protein directly from food, but that our body produces its own proteins from the amino acids contained in our diet. And contrary to a myth, the proteins of plant origin are not incomplete and contain all the essential amino acids. “

“Plant protein can meet the nutritional needs as soon as a plant food varied is consumed and energy needs are met. “It is the position of the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics, which brings together the Atlantic more than 100 000 specialists of nutrition.

In practice : Some protein-rich plant foods (per 100 grams of food)
Lupin seeds and squash : 36,17 and 30,23 grams
Beans : 26,12 grams
Peanuts : 25,8 grams
Lenses : 24,63 grams
Split peas : 23,82 grams
Almonds : 21,15 grams
Chick peas : 20,47 grams
In comparison, beef contains, according to the songs, of 18 grams to 30 grams of protein.

Vegetarians have deficiencies

Deficiencies in calcium, zinc, iron, vitamins… The vegetarian diet is generally accused of all the shortcomings. However, vegetarians and especially véganes are often imagined as skinny people, weak, and tired. Wrong !

The decryption of Elodie Vieille-Blanchard :
“As soon as one becomes vegetarian or vegan, the spectrum of deficiencies appears. However, most omnivores have limited knowledge in the field of nutrition. Who cares of its daily intake of iodine, omega-3, vitamins or even calcium ? On the other hand, it is known that meat is harmful, it is classified in food-at-risk by the latest report by the ANSES (national agency of sanitary safety of food). As for the dairy products and fish, they are asking a question. The current knowledge therefore suggests that there is going to be in better health by not consuming animal products. Replace the steak with lentils has many benefits. By eating vegetables, fresh fruits, vegetables, legumes and whole grains, you will have a diet rich in antioxidants, minerals, and fiber… “


Pay Attention to the iodine and vitamin B12
The only risk of possible gaps in the framework of a vegetarian diet and especially a vegan : those in iodine and vitamin B12. Additions are recommended.

In practice : ” Well designed, a vegetarian diet, including vegan, healthy, adapted to the nutritional plan and can provide a number of advantages for the prevention and treatment of certain diseases. It is appropriate at all periods of life.” This is the last position of theAcademy of Nutrition and Dietetics, published in the December issue of 2016 of its review. Among the athletes vegetarians famous, we can mention for example in tennis, the Williams sisters, Carl Lewis, holder of nine gold medals in athletics at the Olympic Games ; or Bode Miller, olympic medalist in alpine skiing. On the French side, ” the HANDLES should revise its recommendations for special populations, including vegetarians, current 2017 “, says Elodie Vieille-Blanchard.

The man has always eaten meat and fish

Better, he would not have survived without it… So why change this diet ?

The decryption of Elodie Vieille-Blanchard :
“Food is the one area where it claims to habits of prehistoric man ! When we use our smartphone for five hours per day, that we care when we are sick, we sleep in a bed, we do not claim our ancestors ! Of theories exist on what the meat would have contributed to the development of the human brain but they are very controversial. For some paleontologists, it is the fact of hunt, to develop strategies, which enabled the development of the brain. For others, it is the one to have cooked the meat and to have access to larger amounts of calories. But even so, invoke history to justify and decide our behavior is not relevant. And if the natural has to be an argument, what to speak of intensive farms, slaughter houses and billions of animals who are raised to be killed ? Where is the natural in there ? “.


Why they became vegetarians
Out of respect of animal life, the planet, for their health… They have decided to become a vegetarian. Testimonials.

They are véganes
Often seen as a fad, veganism is primarily a lifestyle, a philosophy. Five véganes tell of their daily lives and why they reject animal exploitation in all its forms.

Revenue véganes : 10 offering traditional French dishes revisited
Seitan, tempeh, tofu and other foods like meat that you can rediscover the flavors epicureans of good small dishes.

In practice : A conversion that is sometimes difficult
And the Sunday roast noon ? And the blanquette de veau grandma ? Adopt a plant food, it is to question a part of our culinary culture, inherited from our parents and our grandparents. “The difficulty, this is getting to be detached from the dimension of comforting, the food that was prepared by our family,” says Elodie Vieille-Blanchard. Good news : it is possible to revisit all the classic dishes with sauce, vegetarian or vegan !

Vegetarianism is a fad

Each of us has in his entourage, friends or acquaintances who decide to stop eating meat, fish or any product from animals. Vegetarianism and veganism seem to be in full swing. To the point that some see it as a fad. However, this movement does not date from yesterday. One of its first theoreticians ? The Greek philosopher and mathematician Pythagoras.

The decryption of Elodie Vieille-Blanchard :
“Vegetarianism is very old but it has long been marginalized. Today, the novelty, it is this change of view. Vegetarianism and veganism are much more visible, especially in the media. But this boom is not a passing trend. On the contrary it is a trend. The consumption of meat decreases for years in France and in Europe. As the major distribution groups, they are all trying to develop ranges and vegetarian véganes. “

In practice : Twenty-five centuries of debates
The advocates of a vegetarian diet have always existed. To understand the intellectual debates around vegetarianism since Ancient times, read the book of vegetarianism and its enemies, Renan Larue (PUF).

Vegetarians do not take pleasure in eating

“But you eat what, then, apart from vegetables and seeds ? “, “vegetarian cuisine is sad, monotonous,” … The image of vegetarians not eating that salad is still well-rooted in the minds.

The decryption of Elodie Vieille-Blanchard :
“Our society is fairly open to cultures different food. Unlike the United Kingdom, for example, which is a country much more multicultural. There, people are less lost when they invite a person vegetarian, they have an idea of dishes to prepare. French culinary culture is built around animal products. A plate of meat classic, it is meat or fish with, around, small side dishes. The kitchen plant, it has several centres. It is a balance, a pallet of a variety of foods, textures, colors and different flavors. “

In practice : A kitchen very creative
Alain Passard, Joël Robuchon, Thierry Marx… more and more great chefs are interested in cooking vegetable. And for cause : there are a thousand ways to marry and to accommodate the legumes, cereals, vegetables, oilseeds, fruits, seeds.

A few blogs to find inspiration : A vegetarian almost perfect, Happy veggie, Antigone XXI, 100 vegetable (recipes from Marie Laforêt, a leader in the kitchen vegan)…

They are in love but no longer love

Some couples continue to love each other in spite of the absence of sexual relations. They say they don’t suffer. How do they maintain the flame while the desire is gone ?

Caroline Desages
Isabelle Taubes
– Updated on February 17, 2019 at 14:10


The last time they made love ? Mathieu and Éva, the quarantine in full bloom, do not remember. Married for thirteen years, proud parents of two children, they have, by their own admission, put in small side of their sexuality. This does not prevent them from laughing together, to give the hand in the street or sleeping one against the other.

Without the claim, or enroll in the mainstream of no sex in vogue in the past few years, Mathieu and Eva have found a balance in marriage that belongs to them, refusing to make of this lack of having a ” problem “. A choice taken less rare than it seems, the heart has its reasons that sometimes the body ignores… love without making love, is it really possible ?



How does the sexual desire ? What is the physical desire in men and in women ? Confidences, intimate and explanations in seven questions and answers (…).

Often, it is after childbirth, the loss of a loved one or a job, situations of grief that assoupissent the libido (the sexual impulse) and, in the case of unemployment, are a severe blow to the self esteem, the couple stops any sexual activity. The hugs are becoming increasingly rare, until they disappear completely from the landscape of marriage. Because the less we made love, the less the urge is there, since the sexual impulse is self-feeding, a bit like a battery. Our partner excites our desire not because he is handsome, he smells good and he is intelligent, but because it occupies a special place in our organization psychic.

According to freudian theory, unconsciously, a woman frequently sees in his partner is the man who will make her a mother, or the savior who has killed symbolically her father to release her from her status as a little girl. A man tends to see his girlfriend one that will allow him to surpass his own father. This is the reason why the birth of a child whom we know to be the last of the siblings omen sometimes a long period without sex or mark definitely the end of lovemaking.

Therefore, the spouses must invent a sexuality other, where the problems of maternity and paternity have disappeared. This is also the case with menopause. It is necessary to reconstruct scenarios interiors, focusing this time mainly on the only enjoyment. Psychic task difficult if their relation to the pleasure is tinged with guilt.

These couples do not live as brothers and sisters, or roommates. Suffer ? Very often, it is the idea to seem abnormal in a society where the enjoyment is a norm, a duty almost, that can make them suffer. And the lack of sex is not painful in itself. This is the frustration, the inability to access the pleasure hoped, desired, which makes people sick. Freud, inventor of a theory linking sexuality and neurosis, had stopped all sex life to the quarantine.

A reality that reminds us that, for psychoanalysis, the subject, in fact, there was no standard. “Love takes many forms, and it is clearly possible to find other ways to cement a couple,” explains Gérard Tixier, a psychiatrist and sex therapist. I would even say that, when we rest together, in spite of the abstinence, that is probably because of love, because we decided to invest in his family, in common interests, in the comfort of a life to two. “

“This is not how I saw myself growing old confirms Éva, but I too love Matthew and everything that we’ve built these last ten years to decide to give up the ground that we have no more envy of one another. “

Smile in the mirror. Do that every morning and you'll start to see a big difference in your life.