For many years he listens to his patients, ” says the psychoanalyst Moussa Nabati, a theme recurs as a leitmotiv: the separation. All mull over stories of abandonment, past, present or to come; of neglect, estrangement, infidelity, broken links, worn or lost with those who have relied upon or still rely upon: parents, brothers and sisters, friends, companions, or companions, lovers, children, bosses”. Whether they are chosen or suffered, imposed by the need to grow or by the accidents of life, these separations constitute the “matter almost unique of their speech”; the “main trunk” around which to articulate their difficulties.
The separations are scattered throughout our lives
At a young age, in adolescence or adulthood, each of us has had to learn to detach himself from his parents, to face their absence, their divorce or the loss of one of them; losing a pet, live a move, or an exile, leaving his friends, overcoming the disappointment sentimental or even the loss of his job. It took us, also, to separate us from the childhood to win our independence, our dreams of adolescence to build our adult lives, and then to our full potential to address the ageing. “Since life is change,” observes Nicole Fabre, also a psychoanalyst, to live is to accept no longer what it was; and accepting that others aren’t what they were2. “All of these separations, she adds,” are never the veneers are concrete to our situation of being separate “, different, unique.
“I don’t like the separations, and writing it again yet. I don’t like departures. I don’t like to leave, even if I know that I will see what I am leaving and those who leave. “Marked by a childhood punctuated by moves, she tells him that he is still hard, year after year, to close the house of Grimaud, in the Var, where she spent the summer, the one where they lived and where died his parents and grandparents, the one where his daughters were growing up. Same mundane, even desired, the separations are not self-evident, because they revive always of the joys lost and the sorrows of old.
We undoing, willingly or by force, of what to that point was our lives, our attachments, our identity, we face the fear of losing a part of ourselves. Our resistance, then, can be put in place. Something in us refuses to let go of the ex-spouse with whom we hope to remain friend, the grown children that we would like to keep to the nest, the business lost to which one identifies yet.
They are the opposite of breakups
Moussa Nabati clarifies his thought: in the end, what makes the suffering of her patients, it is less than the separation that ” the inséparation “, the difficulty of exit, disengage, free, becoming adult, psychologically differentiated and self-sustaining, the architect of his desire and his destiny “. Because in their story, or that of previous generations, something has to break (a dropout, a tear, the depression of a parent, the secret about the suicide of a loved one…), and has produced a trauma from which the trace is still to be felt. In place of the “separations” structuring of the existence, it is a product of the ” ruptures “, “these two terms – in spite of the use made of it – are not synonyms at all,” says the psychoanalyst. They oppose the same, the separation is advocated to happen in peace and love because of the trauma of the break “. Many of us live with a sense of abandonment, traces of scarring of the ties ripped off too quickly in childhood. In adulthood, it is the bedrock of relationships fusionnelles intended to fill what was missing to the individual. It can also lead, on the contrary, to be wary of any form of commitment, for fear of reliving the drama of the break.
“The main issue of the psychotherapy, says Moussa Nabati, is to help his patient to discover its divisions internal, tears to interior, to make the separation feasible. “It is,” he says again, working on the “past always present” to try to mend our units that are bruised, to put into perspective the over-importance given to others – experienced as essential or dangerous, and we refocus on ourselves by ” re-discovering [our] parents domestic “. With the aim of achieving links adult, far from the excesses of the passions, without a day or of those of the irreducible solitude. To be able to choose to bind us when these relationships are fulfilling, and to detach ourselves when they are not.
Good thoughts, they lead to the healing
Nicole Fabre describes the separations successful as being ” the fruit of a maturation that led to a decision not passionate. When the beings have found the correct distance with each other. When one is no longer fused nor forced to hate “, although it took, to do this, go through the pain, the feeling of failure and tears. These are separations in which it has been, she says again, ” keep the link without tearing, without remaining stuck “. And for that, it takes time. Give them the time of turmoil and transgressions. The time of the reconfiguration, up to the balance. For the psychoanalyst, the separation process is to sort between what we can keep or not what has been. When one goes or which one is left, she said, ” we always win what we are free to take away: the memories, the images, as this belongs to us and we will remove it “. While the time is urging us to turn the page, ” to mourn ” that we need to leave in a snap of the fingers, Nicole Fabre invites, on the contrary, to cultivate the memory, to keep objects from our past and those we have loved, to preserve the language and culture of the countries that lost. Only way we can feel even the rich rather than amputees making the fabric of our lives. And to move forward.
1. Moussa Nabati in a Successful separation (Fayard).
2. Nicole Fabre in I do not like to separate myself (In press).
To go further
Separation can be a constructive
See their parents divorce is always painful for the child. But with a few principles and a lot of attention, it is a time in which he can grow out of it.